Driving in Bangkok - Part Three

There's a part three to this? For crying out loud, how bad could it possibly be ?
Its worse then you know my friend, much much worse.

As previously stated, I drive a motorcycle like many people in Bangkok do.  Its really the best way to get around, albeit a little dangerous, but that's only when you are on the road.  Now the motorcycles here are beefed up versions of what we call "scooters" back in the states. These scooters may have a 125cc or 150cc engine and some of them can be very quick.  The disadvantage of a scooter style bike is that they are really too small for me. I'm your average American middle age dude, a bit overweight and a whole hell of a lot bigger then most of my Asian male counterparts. I feel like I am riding a toy and I am constantly thinking of getting a "big bike" as they are called here. You see some big bikes around but not too many really.  The advantage of the scooter is they are great on gas and that you can slip in between the cars  (at every angle) and make your way through gridlock or slow moving traffic.  With a big bike you have to drive like a car. If you attempt to drive the painted yellow line and slide between the cars, sooner or later you will either lose your mirrors or collect someone else's with your handle bars. Mirrors rarely give in without a fight either,  so a car's side mirrors colliding with your ability to steer may lead to disaster.

Unfortunately about 38 people a day die in Thailand in motorcycle accidents.

Now an accident is a real strange ordeal in Bangkok. You have the Hi-So (the upper class people) and some of the working middle class people that can afford insurance. If they are in a minor accident with what appears to be another Hi-So vehicle, then its insurance time. Before that can happen though, the parties involved must sit in their vehicles and talk on their cellphones while blocking traffic for as long as humanly possible. God forbid you have two Hi-So ladies in a minor fender bender, they will call everyone under the sun for the next 4 hours, or until someones cellphone battery dies. Usually the police are worthless in this situation, if one happens to be around he may or may not step up to the plate and begin to misdirect traffic, making the traffic situation so much worse then if you were to let people think on their own accord.  No insurance and the culprit is going to just keep driving 90 percent of the time.  They may trick you with a wave and a pull over but once you are standing on the road, its pedal to the metal for these guys. Unless of course you should so happen to hit them. Then its pay me time, or a confrontation, which really is just a desperate plea for "pay me."
On the city streets you see plenty of fender benders because most of the time its just slow moving traffic or gridlock anyway. Get out of town or to the beach towns where the traffic is faster moving and your going to see some nastier accidents for sure.

Now there are police to deal with of course. The problem in Thai is that the police are largely untrained or minimally trained to deal with anything of a serious nature. The majority of the force are just trained to make money and take money.  Work your way up the ladder a rung or two and you will get your own air conditioned double wide booth at the major intersection where you can plug in your DVD player and manually control the traffic light, when you think about it. If your a cop out on the street, your job is to write tickets and make/take money. I say make or take because most of the time you can just pay a "spot fine" or basically just give a bit of money to the cop to go away. If you happen to get an actual trained police pull you over then you may have to pay a real ticket. You can go to court or for a little extra "spot fine" you can just pay it on the street.  Police often get promoted by paying for their own promotion. When they can afford a promotion they buy it, so the police are always looking to make money.  Police can do this regularly by taking tea money from a business.

I find the whole police culture to be interesting here. There are plenty of fake police out there, living and non. Recently I read an article in the Bangkok news where Police have admitted they do not have the resources to train for real police work and over sixty percent of the force is actually just trained to write tickets and make/take money. To help prevent traffic infractions there are plenty of fake police or police statues around the city. I have even seen a few cardboard cut outs of police posed on the side of the streets. Some times these fake police statues will have a camera rigged to them. I am not sure why though since it has been also recently exposed that hundreds of Bangkok's traffic cams are also fakes and not actually hooked up to anything.

Sometimes fake accidents are even set up by the police to warn people about the dangers of drinking and driving. While it is quite alarming, I personally think its an effective message. I have to wonder though, how many people have been rear-ended or caused a multi car accident while rubber necking a fake accident scene.



While the police are powerful and certainly profitable, there are more powerful groups out there. In the towns of Phuket and Pataya there is the "Tuk Tuk Mafia".  This is a powerful gang of tuk tuk drivers who control a huge cut of public transportation. In these beach towns the tuk tuk drivers will threaten or even attack outside drivers, customers and hotel management for not using the tuk tuk service at every possible instance.  They charge sometimes quadruple the normal rate and they can get away with it because they are strongly united.  If you didn't know, a Tuk Tuk is a three wheeled motorcycle taxi.Its almost amusing to think that this gang of drivers are more powerful then the local authorities, but a quick search through the public newspapers will result in story after story of tuk tuk drivers calling for other drivers to come help beat up a tourist, or threaten a hotel, or blockade a road where another form of hired transportation may be used. They seem to get away with what ever they like.

So why use a taxi service at all? Wouldn't it be easier just to drive your own car? Yes and no. Having a car is convenient but you spend most of your time in Bangkok traffic, crawling along at a snails pace. By the time you finally arrive at your destination, you will find that there isn't a parking place within a 30 minute hike of where you need to be.  Its not easy to park either. In a normal stall parking lot you have to always back into the space. I am not used to this, back home it really didn't matter if you backed in or parked nose first. Whatever you felt comfortable with was fine. In Bangkok you must back in because when you return to your car you are sure to find the drive isle lined with stalls has now become a parallel parking area as well and your car is now blocked in.  This is perfectly acceptable parking etiquette, as long as you leave your wheels straight and your car in neutral gear. This way the general public can push your car forward or back so that they may exit the stall your car is blocking.  You may have to push three or four cars to get the space you need to remove your car. This is where being able to pull out nose first is essential. Having room to back out is no longer an option.

This mentality trains you to leave your car in neutral all the time. I always get a kick out of watching people around my neighborhood arrive home and place a rock, brick, coconut, etc. behind their tire to keep the car from rolling. Of course they are aware that there is a thing called a parking brake and they know exactly when to use it - in gridlock or at a red light. Makes you wonder how many parking brakes are worn out from people forgetting about them after the light changes and driving off. Then answer - apparently most of them. You can forget about trying to explain how putting your car in gear while it is not running may be easier then finding a rock to chock the back tire. For some reason turning your car off then putting it into gear is considered harmful for the car, as is leaving your car parked with the wheels not perfectly straight as it is bad for the tires.
So once again we have to consider the motorcycle! Definitely alot easier to park, and often they have a separate parking area for cycles at most major parking lots.

I guess one of the biggest drawbacks to riding a motorcycle is the weather. If it starts to rain you are going to get wet. Quite an obvious statement I realize, but I wish that Thai people would also realize this. If only I could put out this Thai News Flash on the local news channel : "Driving a motorcycle in the rain will result in getting wet!"
The first time I drove a motorcycle in the rain over here, I was taking my maid to the market and it was overcast that day, she had her mini umbrella tucked under her arm. The first drops hit and she immediately pops that umbrella from behind me and covers my face with it. Now I'm in fourth gear with two people on a bike looking at the inside of an umbrella from inches away. I was pissed, but because of the language difference, it took a few times for me to explain to her that if you do that again we might die.  This has happened to me a few times now, with a few different passengers. Its normal to see people motorcycling in the rain, with a woman passenger on the back (riding side saddle of course) with her umbrella up over her drivers face, blindly cruising down the street.  I guess worrying about the stopping power of wet brakes isn't of much importance when you can't see what you are about to hit anyway.

You might say that the other obvious disadvantage of a motorcycle is that you can only fit two people on it. Nonsense!  I drive with three people on mine and if I was of smaller build, I'm sure there would be room for more! Seeing three or four people on a motorcycle is normal around these parts.

Sure, alot of Asian people are a smaller build when compared to other cultures, but that means nothing really. Even the foreigners can get an entire family on a scooter. Have a really big family? You don't need a van, you just need a motorcycle with a rear fender rack!

Notice this nice family has plenty of room for a few bags and even an ice cooler! Also notice that no one in these pictures are wearing helmets. This is because helmets are oversize and take up to much personal space. Should a sudden stop be necessary, the helmets would clack together in a domino effect. In stop and go traffic, helmets would act more like swinging pendulum balls on a string. Additionally its just to hard to have a family conversation or talk on a cell phone with the annoyance of a helmet in your way.




Lets hope that won't be a part four to this story!
(but you know there probably will be)