Driving in Bangkok - Part Three

There's a part three to this? For crying out loud, how bad could it possibly be ?
Its worse then you know my friend, much much worse.

As previously stated, I drive a motorcycle like many people in Bangkok do.  Its really the best way to get around, albeit a little dangerous, but that's only when you are on the road.  Now the motorcycles here are beefed up versions of what we call "scooters" back in the states. These scooters may have a 125cc or 150cc engine and some of them can be very quick.  The disadvantage of a scooter style bike is that they are really too small for me. I'm your average American middle age dude, a bit overweight and a whole hell of a lot bigger then most of my Asian male counterparts. I feel like I am riding a toy and I am constantly thinking of getting a "big bike" as they are called here. You see some big bikes around but not too many really.  The advantage of the scooter is they are great on gas and that you can slip in between the cars  (at every angle) and make your way through gridlock or slow moving traffic.  With a big bike you have to drive like a car. If you attempt to drive the painted yellow line and slide between the cars, sooner or later you will either lose your mirrors or collect someone else's with your handle bars. Mirrors rarely give in without a fight either,  so a car's side mirrors colliding with your ability to steer may lead to disaster.

Unfortunately about 38 people a day die in Thailand in motorcycle accidents.

Now an accident is a real strange ordeal in Bangkok. You have the Hi-So (the upper class people) and some of the working middle class people that can afford insurance. If they are in a minor accident with what appears to be another Hi-So vehicle, then its insurance time. Before that can happen though, the parties involved must sit in their vehicles and talk on their cellphones while blocking traffic for as long as humanly possible. God forbid you have two Hi-So ladies in a minor fender bender, they will call everyone under the sun for the next 4 hours, or until someones cellphone battery dies. Usually the police are worthless in this situation, if one happens to be around he may or may not step up to the plate and begin to misdirect traffic, making the traffic situation so much worse then if you were to let people think on their own accord.  No insurance and the culprit is going to just keep driving 90 percent of the time.  They may trick you with a wave and a pull over but once you are standing on the road, its pedal to the metal for these guys. Unless of course you should so happen to hit them. Then its pay me time, or a confrontation, which really is just a desperate plea for "pay me."
On the city streets you see plenty of fender benders because most of the time its just slow moving traffic or gridlock anyway. Get out of town or to the beach towns where the traffic is faster moving and your going to see some nastier accidents for sure.

Now there are police to deal with of course. The problem in Thai is that the police are largely untrained or minimally trained to deal with anything of a serious nature. The majority of the force are just trained to make money and take money.  Work your way up the ladder a rung or two and you will get your own air conditioned double wide booth at the major intersection where you can plug in your DVD player and manually control the traffic light, when you think about it. If your a cop out on the street, your job is to write tickets and make/take money. I say make or take because most of the time you can just pay a "spot fine" or basically just give a bit of money to the cop to go away. If you happen to get an actual trained police pull you over then you may have to pay a real ticket. You can go to court or for a little extra "spot fine" you can just pay it on the street.  Police often get promoted by paying for their own promotion. When they can afford a promotion they buy it, so the police are always looking to make money.  Police can do this regularly by taking tea money from a business.

I find the whole police culture to be interesting here. There are plenty of fake police out there, living and non. Recently I read an article in the Bangkok news where Police have admitted they do not have the resources to train for real police work and over sixty percent of the force is actually just trained to write tickets and make/take money. To help prevent traffic infractions there are plenty of fake police or police statues around the city. I have even seen a few cardboard cut outs of police posed on the side of the streets. Some times these fake police statues will have a camera rigged to them. I am not sure why though since it has been also recently exposed that hundreds of Bangkok's traffic cams are also fakes and not actually hooked up to anything.

Sometimes fake accidents are even set up by the police to warn people about the dangers of drinking and driving. While it is quite alarming, I personally think its an effective message. I have to wonder though, how many people have been rear-ended or caused a multi car accident while rubber necking a fake accident scene.



While the police are powerful and certainly profitable, there are more powerful groups out there. In the towns of Phuket and Pataya there is the "Tuk Tuk Mafia".  This is a powerful gang of tuk tuk drivers who control a huge cut of public transportation. In these beach towns the tuk tuk drivers will threaten or even attack outside drivers, customers and hotel management for not using the tuk tuk service at every possible instance.  They charge sometimes quadruple the normal rate and they can get away with it because they are strongly united.  If you didn't know, a Tuk Tuk is a three wheeled motorcycle taxi.Its almost amusing to think that this gang of drivers are more powerful then the local authorities, but a quick search through the public newspapers will result in story after story of tuk tuk drivers calling for other drivers to come help beat up a tourist, or threaten a hotel, or blockade a road where another form of hired transportation may be used. They seem to get away with what ever they like.

So why use a taxi service at all? Wouldn't it be easier just to drive your own car? Yes and no. Having a car is convenient but you spend most of your time in Bangkok traffic, crawling along at a snails pace. By the time you finally arrive at your destination, you will find that there isn't a parking place within a 30 minute hike of where you need to be.  Its not easy to park either. In a normal stall parking lot you have to always back into the space. I am not used to this, back home it really didn't matter if you backed in or parked nose first. Whatever you felt comfortable with was fine. In Bangkok you must back in because when you return to your car you are sure to find the drive isle lined with stalls has now become a parallel parking area as well and your car is now blocked in.  This is perfectly acceptable parking etiquette, as long as you leave your wheels straight and your car in neutral gear. This way the general public can push your car forward or back so that they may exit the stall your car is blocking.  You may have to push three or four cars to get the space you need to remove your car. This is where being able to pull out nose first is essential. Having room to back out is no longer an option.

This mentality trains you to leave your car in neutral all the time. I always get a kick out of watching people around my neighborhood arrive home and place a rock, brick, coconut, etc. behind their tire to keep the car from rolling. Of course they are aware that there is a thing called a parking brake and they know exactly when to use it - in gridlock or at a red light. Makes you wonder how many parking brakes are worn out from people forgetting about them after the light changes and driving off. Then answer - apparently most of them. You can forget about trying to explain how putting your car in gear while it is not running may be easier then finding a rock to chock the back tire. For some reason turning your car off then putting it into gear is considered harmful for the car, as is leaving your car parked with the wheels not perfectly straight as it is bad for the tires.
So once again we have to consider the motorcycle! Definitely alot easier to park, and often they have a separate parking area for cycles at most major parking lots.

I guess one of the biggest drawbacks to riding a motorcycle is the weather. If it starts to rain you are going to get wet. Quite an obvious statement I realize, but I wish that Thai people would also realize this. If only I could put out this Thai News Flash on the local news channel : "Driving a motorcycle in the rain will result in getting wet!"
The first time I drove a motorcycle in the rain over here, I was taking my maid to the market and it was overcast that day, she had her mini umbrella tucked under her arm. The first drops hit and she immediately pops that umbrella from behind me and covers my face with it. Now I'm in fourth gear with two people on a bike looking at the inside of an umbrella from inches away. I was pissed, but because of the language difference, it took a few times for me to explain to her that if you do that again we might die.  This has happened to me a few times now, with a few different passengers. Its normal to see people motorcycling in the rain, with a woman passenger on the back (riding side saddle of course) with her umbrella up over her drivers face, blindly cruising down the street.  I guess worrying about the stopping power of wet brakes isn't of much importance when you can't see what you are about to hit anyway.

You might say that the other obvious disadvantage of a motorcycle is that you can only fit two people on it. Nonsense!  I drive with three people on mine and if I was of smaller build, I'm sure there would be room for more! Seeing three or four people on a motorcycle is normal around these parts.

Sure, alot of Asian people are a smaller build when compared to other cultures, but that means nothing really. Even the foreigners can get an entire family on a scooter. Have a really big family? You don't need a van, you just need a motorcycle with a rear fender rack!

Notice this nice family has plenty of room for a few bags and even an ice cooler! Also notice that no one in these pictures are wearing helmets. This is because helmets are oversize and take up to much personal space. Should a sudden stop be necessary, the helmets would clack together in a domino effect. In stop and go traffic, helmets would act more like swinging pendulum balls on a string. Additionally its just to hard to have a family conversation or talk on a cell phone with the annoyance of a helmet in your way.




Lets hope that won't be a part four to this story!
(but you know there probably will be)

Driving in Bangkok - Part Two

While driving in Thai I have noticed something in particular. Soi dogs (street dogs) are stupid. These are homeless dogs running around everywhere with empty little heads, just lucky to be inhaling oxygen. In the states I have seen dogs that use the sidewalks and stop and wait to cross the street with groups of people at the crosswalks. Its like they know that being hit by a car would be a bad thing. In Hawaii I have seen dogs that round up sheep, horses, cows and dogs that hunt wild boar. All these dogs seem to understand that flying hooves, teeth, and tusks might be a bad thing. Soi dogs in Thai lay in the middle of the road impervious to car horns or tires from vehicles passing just inches from where they lie. It is not unusual to see a soi dog trot into the street during an rare break in traffic and lie down to quickly go to sleep. Unlike most animals these dogs haven't much sense of self preservation. A soi dog in the middle of the road will spot a speeding truck heading straight for it and waste no time in deciding that its nap time. Generally these dogs survive on the discarded food of the locals. Thai people seem to throw away these dogs like old toys. Sometime I will have to put together a piece on the soi dogs. For now just know this, if you are driving and you see a dog (or four) you can count on it to step out in front your moving vehicle with a blank look in its eyes and a little doggy smile on its face.

Its not just the dogs on the street, theres lots of animals in the road. Even though I live in the heart of Bangkok, I see this sight at least once a week:

Its really a bad day when you are driving motorcycle and the car in front of you hits a big cow shit in the road, spraying it into the air directly in your path. Even now I sit contemplating what type of James Bond contraptions I can rig my motorcycle with to have my revenge on the drivers that are hell bent to ruin me. On a daily basis I have also nearly hit cats, low flying pigeons and chickens. Once while riding shotgun, I saw this big monitor lizard walk into the street ahead of us and stop for a moment before it trotted back into the sewage swamp that it had come from.

Oh, and then occasionally there is this little street hazard:

And that's just in the city, head out to the country and who knows what will be around the next bend. On a recent trip to the Hua Hin area, there were monkeys on the road and at the park areas, begging for food. You just never know what wildlife you will find on the roads here.  While I would run over a snake in a heartbeat, I just couldn't imagine hitting a monkey while on my motorcycle. Oh ya motorcycles...

I may have mentioned before that the motorcycle or "Motor-Cy" is really the only way to travel. You can zip in between the cars and around the front and backs of them while they are stuck in the gridlock. You can get to your destination easily twice as fast as you would in a car just by winding around the maze of backed up traffic, but remember, one wrong move and you will be a stain on the road and no one will stop to help or try to save your life because once they can see the accident, they will have hope that there may be a little break in traffic just beyond and they will be able to drive again.

I used to have a real hang up with driving my motorcycle on the sidewalks. We just don't do that where I am from. Now I do it daily. Traffic is messed up and I only need to go a block or two the wrong direction on a one way street, its sidewalk surfin time!  I hit the sidewalks sometimes and start blowing through the gears and it does get really irritating that some people will wear headphones and the won't hear me honking or revving. I have asked my favorite ex-pat forum online "what is the appropriate speed for driving on a busy sidewalk" and it has been suggested that its actually beneficial to keep it in a lower gear so that I can pop wheelies. Popping wheelies  on the sidewalks impresses the women and everyone else will stop pretending not to hear you and get the hell out of your way. I have tried it, and its really good advice. If the sidewalks are too congested (like that matters) Its ok to drive in the wrong lane as long as you are feeling lucky.

Stay tuned for part three of driving in Bangkok, when we determine how many people should be on one motorcycle at the same time, parking etiquette, tuk-tuk mafia, drunk driving and of course smashing and crashing.

Here is the link for Part 3

Driving in Bangkok Part 3

Driving in Bangkok

I know opinions are like assholes, but I'm going to tell ya that Thai drivers are some of the worst I have ever seen. Now just let me stand my ground a second so you know where I am coming from. I have owned sports cars and sport bikes, I have had several jobs as a driver, and I have driven in many other countries besides my homeland. I drive the cities and I drive the freeways. I have excellent off road experience, I am experienced in the snow, I have had my Porsche up around 135mph street racing on tiny one lane Maui roads. I have Driven in Europe for days on end at speeds that may cause you involuntary urination. Never in my life have I seen driving as poorly executed as I have here in Bangkok.

I'm trying to figure out the mentality of driving here and so far my observations are:

Never use your mirrors, never look back. Nothing behind you really matters, as it is behind you and out of your control. Look forward, no need to check left or right. This applies especially when you are entering the main road from a side street. Do not stop and do not attempt to check for an opening in traffic. Simply pull out into the traffic, and once you are in your lane (or sharing one) keep your eyes forward. The drivers in the next lanes can not see you because they are only looking forward, there is no need to see them either. When you feel the cars touch, you should know that you are now sharing the same lane and at this point it is ok to look to the side and see who has the more expensive car and if the other driver is pointing a gun or not. In any situation the Mercedes Benz always has the right of way.

The KMH/MPH reading should never be used. Pay no attention to this reading, it means nothing. The only instrument you need is the RPM gauge. Whenever your car is in motion this gauge should be in the red. Seeing how you will spend most of your time in gridlock traffic, keeping this gauge in the red is important when you need to bolt ahead several inches to block anyone else trying to share your lane with you. This is the only time the color red is important while driving in Bangkok.

The color green can be found everywhere. All traffic lights in Bangkok have 3 shades of green. It is important to know this, because if the sun is in your eyes and you think you are seeing a red light, it would be very dangerous for you to try and stop, automatically resulting in being run over from behind. If you do stop for a red light (which is really just dark green) and get hit, it will be your fault for stopping as you are clearly colorblind. If you are a farang (foreigner) it is your fault regardless of if you stopped or the guy in front of you stopped. As a matter a fact, as a foreigner it is your fault even if you were a nearby pedestrian. The accident was surely caused by the fact that someone was trying to navigate a street on foot, clearly shocking any and all drivers by the sheer stupidity of their act. The only people that would try a foot crossing are foreigners. Any accident within view of a foreigner is the foreigners fault.

Never wear a seat belt. They get uncomfortable and will only slow you down should you need to make a high speed exit thru the front windshield. Helmets are worn on the main roads to help hide your identity while you are parked in the gridlock. Do not wear a helmet while operating a motorcycle on the fast moving side streets, as it can be quite breezy when you are away from the gridlock and your helmet might fall off and cause an accident behind you. Using the helmet strap on a helmet signals that you are a novice driver and can be blamed for most anything. If you are driving a car and a cop flags you down from the side of the road, don't stop. If you are on a motorcycle and a cop flags you down from the side of the road, don't stop unless you are within striking distance. If you are a farang and you are stopped by the police, never ever speak a word of Thai as it will result in you paying more then the 200 baht you are about to dish out presently. If you are on a motorcycle and a cop in a car or a truck signals you to pull over, immediately drive sideways thru the gridlock obstructing your license plate from view and do not stop. It is also ok to laugh out loud while doing this.

U-turns... So in Thai you drive in the right side of the car and on the left side of the road.
The far left lane is the slow lane, this is where you pull in to side streets and parking lots etc. This lane is full of bus and taxi stops and assholes who park and throw on their hazards while they buy some meat on a stick from a sidewalk vender. You will need to get out of the left lane if you plan on doing any traveling today. The far right lane is the one closest to the median and would normally be considered the "fast lane." The problem here is the U-turn areas. I say "areas" because there is no U-turn lane to get you to safety while you wait three to seven hours for a chance to make a U-turn. If a miracle occurs and you are able to make a U-turn, you should be aware that you are now in the fast lane going the opposite direction. For safety's sake you should now veer across three lanes to get to the slow moving lane so that you do not cause an accident. Some U-turn areas are designated by signs and the median is cemented for your convience. Some U-turn areas are just motorcycle paths across the grassy median and others are just swampy areas that have now dried up and have now become a potential U-turn area.

While there are tons of bad Thai drivers here in the Big Mango, my brother in law may be the one exception. He used to race cars in Florida and he is by far the only person I trust to navigate the city at high speeds. I was planning on saying something nice about my wife's driving here but she managed to drive her car into the front gate last night, even though the gate was open at the time. There is so much more to be said about driving around Thai people, so stay tuned for part 2 of Bangkok Driving.

Here is a link to Part 2:

Driving in Bangkok Part 2