Driving in Bangkok

I know opinions are like assholes, but I'm going to tell ya that Thai drivers are some of the worst I have ever seen. Now just let me stand my ground a second so you know where I am coming from. I have owned sports cars and sport bikes, I have had several jobs as a driver, and I have driven in many other countries besides my homeland. I drive the cities and I drive the freeways. I have excellent off road experience, I am experienced in the snow, I have had my Porsche up around 135mph street racing on tiny one lane Maui roads. I have Driven in Europe for days on end at speeds that may cause you involuntary urination. Never in my life have I seen driving as poorly executed as I have here in Bangkok.

I'm trying to figure out the mentality of driving here and so far my observations are:

Never use your mirrors, never look back. Nothing behind you really matters, as it is behind you and out of your control. Look forward, no need to check left or right. This applies especially when you are entering the main road from a side street. Do not stop and do not attempt to check for an opening in traffic. Simply pull out into the traffic, and once you are in your lane (or sharing one) keep your eyes forward. The drivers in the next lanes can not see you because they are only looking forward, there is no need to see them either. When you feel the cars touch, you should know that you are now sharing the same lane and at this point it is ok to look to the side and see who has the more expensive car and if the other driver is pointing a gun or not. In any situation the Mercedes Benz always has the right of way.

The KMH/MPH reading should never be used. Pay no attention to this reading, it means nothing. The only instrument you need is the RPM gauge. Whenever your car is in motion this gauge should be in the red. Seeing how you will spend most of your time in gridlock traffic, keeping this gauge in the red is important when you need to bolt ahead several inches to block anyone else trying to share your lane with you. This is the only time the color red is important while driving in Bangkok.

The color green can be found everywhere. All traffic lights in Bangkok have 3 shades of green. It is important to know this, because if the sun is in your eyes and you think you are seeing a red light, it would be very dangerous for you to try and stop, automatically resulting in being run over from behind. If you do stop for a red light (which is really just dark green) and get hit, it will be your fault for stopping as you are clearly colorblind. If you are a farang (foreigner) it is your fault regardless of if you stopped or the guy in front of you stopped. As a matter a fact, as a foreigner it is your fault even if you were a nearby pedestrian. The accident was surely caused by the fact that someone was trying to navigate a street on foot, clearly shocking any and all drivers by the sheer stupidity of their act. The only people that would try a foot crossing are foreigners. Any accident within view of a foreigner is the foreigners fault.

Never wear a seat belt. They get uncomfortable and will only slow you down should you need to make a high speed exit thru the front windshield. Helmets are worn on the main roads to help hide your identity while you are parked in the gridlock. Do not wear a helmet while operating a motorcycle on the fast moving side streets, as it can be quite breezy when you are away from the gridlock and your helmet might fall off and cause an accident behind you. Using the helmet strap on a helmet signals that you are a novice driver and can be blamed for most anything. If you are driving a car and a cop flags you down from the side of the road, don't stop. If you are on a motorcycle and a cop flags you down from the side of the road, don't stop unless you are within striking distance. If you are a farang and you are stopped by the police, never ever speak a word of Thai as it will result in you paying more then the 200 baht you are about to dish out presently. If you are on a motorcycle and a cop in a car or a truck signals you to pull over, immediately drive sideways thru the gridlock obstructing your license plate from view and do not stop. It is also ok to laugh out loud while doing this.

U-turns... So in Thai you drive in the right side of the car and on the left side of the road.
The far left lane is the slow lane, this is where you pull in to side streets and parking lots etc. This lane is full of bus and taxi stops and assholes who park and throw on their hazards while they buy some meat on a stick from a sidewalk vender. You will need to get out of the left lane if you plan on doing any traveling today. The far right lane is the one closest to the median and would normally be considered the "fast lane." The problem here is the U-turn areas. I say "areas" because there is no U-turn lane to get you to safety while you wait three to seven hours for a chance to make a U-turn. If a miracle occurs and you are able to make a U-turn, you should be aware that you are now in the fast lane going the opposite direction. For safety's sake you should now veer across three lanes to get to the slow moving lane so that you do not cause an accident. Some U-turn areas are designated by signs and the median is cemented for your convience. Some U-turn areas are just motorcycle paths across the grassy median and others are just swampy areas that have now dried up and have now become a potential U-turn area.

While there are tons of bad Thai drivers here in the Big Mango, my brother in law may be the one exception. He used to race cars in Florida and he is by far the only person I trust to navigate the city at high speeds. I was planning on saying something nice about my wife's driving here but she managed to drive her car into the front gate last night, even though the gate was open at the time. There is so much more to be said about driving around Thai people, so stay tuned for part 2 of Bangkok Driving.

Here is a link to Part 2:

Driving in Bangkok Part 2