The Bum Gun

Long ago when I was in France I encountered my first bidet. I had no idea what it was and my French buddy told me it was to wash my feet in, so I did of course. Back home in Hawaii we always take our shoes off before entering someones home, and I certainly did not want to offend anyone with dirty feet. Obviously the joke was on me, my buddy and his family all got a big laugh out of the foreigner washing his feet in the ass sprayer.

I have learned a bit since then and now that I live in Asia I have had to adapt to using a "bum gun".  A bum gun is a small hand held sprayer that is used to cleanse your backside.  My wife has lived with me in America for years and she has always told me that using toilet paper alone leaves her feeling dirty. Seeing how this is coming from someone who moved away from a developing country, I always scoffed a bit and didn't think too highly of the notion of spraying my self with a ring spring after I finished my business.

Well now I have to admit, I was wrong. That butt blaster is quite effective, it just takes a bit of practice. When I think about it, anytime I really want to get clean, I just hop in the shower. Using water on my rear end should be no different. If I had dirt on my hand, would I rub a tissue on it and call it good? Of course not.  Its too bad more westerners haven't caught on to this.  I suppose maybe a cold climate might makes its use a bit startling but that's the only reason I can think of for not wanting better hygiene.


The key is preparation. Without it your going to make a mess and you will probably walk out of the loo with a big wet spot on the back of your trousers.  Whether its a sit down toilet or a squat toilet, you are going to want to roll up your pant legs.  Even though you may be a professional with the sphincter sprinkler, the person before you may have soaked the floor. You definantly do not want to drop your jeans into a puddle. Next make sure you check the water pressure. This is important for obvious reasons, I don't think I need to go there and if you cant figure the importance here, well I suppose you have it coming. If I am at public sit down toilet, I will check the pressure by rinsing down the toilet seat. Hey your butt is gonna get wet anyway, why should you care if the seat is wet, at least now its cleaner then when you arrived. At a squat toilet I will pressure check by blasting the entire vicinity, rinsing away any ugliness and leaving a nice wet floor for any novice arse washer who should happen to follow. Do your business, rinse and then dry with the toilet paper. It should go without saying but you are going to just pad the water away, if you try to wipe your wet ass, you may wind up with shredded paper and that just wont do.  I tend to keep a bit of tissue on me now a days just in case I need to make a public stop and drop. Wet wipes are an even better idea but these can be hard to find at stores and expensive when you do find them.  When you find yourself face to face with a squat toilet you will be very glad you bought those wet wipes. Often finding a squat toilet may also mean finding a bucket of water and a ladle type spoon to splash on your dairy-aire, in place of a bum gun.

So you think that this little conversation on the ass cannon is irrelevant and unimportant or maybe even a bit immature, but in other cultures it is taken quite seriously. For example strict Muslims are supposed to wash their privates after going to the toilet. I believe a prayer is said before and after. Usually the bathroom prayer will be mounted somewhere on the wall and you might find a bum gun or maybe a trough or bowl of water to use. Talk about praying to the porcelain gods! Maybe that's why both the men and women wear long dresses, so they can drip dry while they walk.

I ran across this little song about the bum gun on youtube, if you are in a culture/country that uses one its kind of funny. If not, then you probably wont care for it. Here's the link:

http://youtu.be/tR5yX11en8M

So save some trees and spread the word, not the turd!