The Flying Fox

I saw it in the distance one evening a few days back. I thought it might be hawk from the size of its wingspan. Then I saw it again the next evening around dusk and it was big, maybe a huge owl or something, it was too far away to see.
Tonight I got a good look at it, a bat, and a flipping huge one at that. Goes to show you my experience with the critters around here, I wasn't aware there were monster bats living in the city. This thing was big enough that I nearly dropped my beer when it came floating through. I half expected Godzilla to sound off and come stomping through a few building to engage it.
Apparently this is a fruit bat, also called a "flying fox". It appears that it could drag off babies or small dogs so I can't imagine what kind of fruit this thing eats to get that big. Now I have seen bats in the states and they flap and flutter and dart around at high speed but this thing, it coasted and floated and put in a only a few commanding strokes just like a large bird would do. I could see the veins silhouetted in its wings even in the dwindling light. It went from a prone and soaring, to upright and landing in a tree top in a powerful slow motion. I went online to find out what the hell this thing is, and this is the description I found on a local expat forum:


"They're Siamese Brain Bats. They have a single long hollow fang which they use to inject an anaesthetic into the skulls of their victims, they then drink the victim's brains. Generally the bat leaves between 5 to 10% of the victims brain tissue intact which is just about enough for the survivor to retain the ability to walk, eat, and poop. The charitably inclined King Rama 7 established the modern Thai Civil Service and a representative democracy in 1932 to provide these poor souls with the only work of which they were now capable, bureaucracy and politics. Even today over 85% of Thai Politicians and Bureaucrats are victims of Brain Bat attacks and are maintained at public expense.


Attacks on farangs(foreigners) are rarer and the Thai health service provides no support for farang victims. Generally the slobbering, brain-damaged, farang survivors of these attacks are forced to eke out a sad living by opening beer-bars in Pattaya."

Bad Waitress

I was at Sizzler at Seacon Square, the waitress said "You can have a free refill with any drink."
I said "Ok, I'll have a Heineken."
The waitress said "No."
Bad waitress.

Bangkok Street Food

Day 1
Somethings not agreeing with me today, must have been that plate of chicken I bought from the open air market yesterday.  I would say those fools tried to poison me but actually, I picked out my own meal.

Day 3
Still in the dumps so to speak. Its best that I don't stray farther then a short sprint back to the best seat in the house. I hope this will end soon. I have decided to starve this thing out a bit.  If anything it could only mean less trips to the bathroom. Why feed the fire? Its time to fast.

Day 4
Fevering at night now, second night in a row.  Tossed and turned and more trips to the throne. I woke up totally drenched like someone had turned the hose on me. My pillows more like a sponge.  This would make a heck of a diet. I may have to patten this lil stomach bug and pitch it as the new celebrity weight loss program.  Still not eating much more then a bit of bread and water, and I have added 48 ounces of Singha beer a night to my new culinary regime. I think the beer is really going to help.

Day 6
Last night I seriously considered setting up a make shift computer table in front of the toilet.  I guess my body is just so accustomed to FDA approved foods that i just cant handle a little bug or some bacteria. The days are not as bad as the nights, but still I have sprinted up the stairs to my bathroom (on the third floor) so many times my legs are starting to hurt. There is a war going on in my gut and I have body ache from fever and painful cramping from the dehydration.
The good news is I am saving tons of money on groceries. The bad news is that in order for me to go anywhere I have to be prepared to use public restrooms and I'm walking around afraid to fart. I am fevering every night now. I fear the beer is just not helping. My rear quarters are producing colors that range from bright baby shit yellow, to sickly green and something that looks a bit like blackened seaweed. From now on I won't look back, never look back.

Day 7
Not enough energy to drink beer or get to the remote. I have been provided with a drug called Norfloxyl.  Side effects are nausea, rash, and visual disturbance. At 400 mg twice a day it is used to treat G.I.T. infection.  I looked it up and at 800 mg a dose it is also used to treat  gonorrhea. I guess that is always good to know. I pray this will be the end of the story of my sore ass, my sprints to the bathroom both successful and not, and to waking up in a bed that doesn't feel like I just had a sleep over with sponge bob square pants.

The Bottom Line (no pun intended)
If you are going to kick it in Thailand and eat all the wonderful foods it has to offer, for fucks sake bring a boat load of wet wipes !  Those things saved my ass (again, no pun), I brought a 3 pack in my baggage from overseas at 80 sheets a pack, and it was a great call.

Baby wipes, a whole lot better then wearing a diaper.

Bad Genie

One night while suffering through a high fever, a genie came to me.
The genie said "I can get you anything."
I said "Ok, I'll have a beer."
The genie said "No."
Bad genie.

Mosquitoes

If you have ever been to places like around the U.S. like Florida or Texas you know about big ass mosquitoes.  Actually in Hawaii, the mosquito is the state bird, or maybe its the flying cockroach, I forget.


Asian mosquitoes are kind of like Asian people, they are not that big and there are about a gazillion of them around. The mosquitoes in my house are like hungry ninjas, I never really see them but they stealth in at night when I least expect it and hit me up for a meal. I often wake up feeling about a quart low.  It seems that what mosquitoes really like are white people. As you probably know, mosquitoes may carry diseases such as Dengue, West Nile Virus, Malaria, Halitosis, Leprosy, and Genital Warts.


Mosquitoes love Budweiser, especially from a can. To help prevent mosquito bites, always drink beer from a bottle and never, ever, ever drink Budweiser. Some other suggestions that I have collected are:
Eat lots of garlic
Take vitamin B
Use Deet spray, or something made of all natural plants and faerie dust if your a hippie
Sleep under a mosquito net
Burn citronella candles or incense
Remove any standing water around your surroundings

Also, I have recently seen this product that looks like an electrified tennis racket that you can swing at insects to kill them and work on your backhand at the same time. This product is not a toy. I know this because it says on the wrapping "this product is not a toy".  With that being said, I would still like to recommend buying half a dozen of these things before your next house party. They work wonders on anyone who shows up with canned beer.