Hoof Hearted in the classroom

Really, where do you start. No one wants to read about your boring ass life as a school teacher. Why would you? Yet here I am, a first time teacher, trying to think of something cool to say about it and coming up with nothing. I can tell you this, a classroom needs rules.
 Its been 60 days now that I have been in this business and I have two rules so far in my class.

1. No kung fu fighting allowed in class,

2. Do not remove your clothes in class.

Keep in mind these are little children. The day I start teaching hot college chicks is when naked kung fu fighting may be tolerated.

As I'm sure any teacher will tell you, there are days when the kids warm your heart and there are days when you just want to take a belt to every last one of them.

These are a few stories and odd bits and pieces I have gathered so far...


Here in Thailand a male chicken is called a COCK. I grew up in the states calling it a rooster. To me, a cock refers to my manhood and you do not hear this word much unless you are working in a warehouse or construction site with a bunch of vulgar macho dudes. And of course in porno. In all the porno I have seen, someone is always talking about the cock. Its a measure of restraint to hold up a flashcard of a rooster in class and have 30 kids yell "COCK!!!"   One day I'm teaching this five year old munchkin to write simple sentences, such as "I like big dogs" and he takes it on his own to put up on the whiteboard "I like big cocks". At this time you can picture me trying to control my face muscles to remain expressionless if at all possible.

"I like big cocks"

I teach at my kid's school part time but mostly I teach private english lessons from my home because that's what I prefer to do. I have turned the second level of my house into a classroom area suitable for both children and adults. One day a lady brings her two monsters to my house to get them into a private english lesson. She is telling me that her kids are so shy and they need to start learning the alphabet and numbers etc... Meanwhile her two shy boys are having this huge sword fight with a couple of closed umbrellas just two feet away from us and they are banging into things and jumping and lunging at each other. I have to be cool because I want the money and I am saying things like "I'm sure it will be fine..." all the while the two demons have nearly punched a whole through my flat screen tv with their umbrella combat. Its been two months now and all these two brothers are interested in is punching, kicking, and choking each other out 24 hours a day. If I want to see some real action, I just tell them that today we are reviewing body parts and ask them "Where is your head/neck/ears/leg/arms/etc.." and it will instantly turn into a mixed martial arts marathon.

In most asian countries, people seem to have problems pronouncing the letters "L" and "R".  Often these letters are swapped out so that either the R is silent or it is replaced with an L.  I used to think that this was just when they were using english but it turns out that even in Thai, they often will use L instead of R.  Also, the letter "S" is pronounced "SAH".   So a STAR is a SAH-TAR and a SPOON is a SAH-POON and a FORK is a FUCK. I found this out one day when I had the great idea to do a lesson on things in the kitchen. I brought in my bag of dishes and cups and etc... Everyone already knew what a fork was because whenever I held it up they would all shout FUCK ! Apparently R is a difficult sound to pronounce for them.  I really do not understand what the deal is when they switch the R and the L though, it just makes no sense to me. I have a friend named Larry. Everyone calls him Rally. Just the fact that they can say "Rally" means they can pronounce both the R and the L sounds in a single word. You tell me whats up with that because I just can't seem to understand what the problem is.

Here in Thailand, I really get a kick out of the nicknames or "short names" that everyone uses. Most everyone goes by a short name here and it works out well for me as it is often hard for me to remember and or pronounce the long Thai names.  I have students that are brother and sister, his name is Gafil (pronounced like Garfield) and hers is Baifern. Short names are easy because they just use "Fil" (phil) and "Fern".  Often this is not the case though, in Thai a short name usually has nothing to do with the formal name.  For example, three sisters named Ketsirin, Wanasa, and Anchana use the short names "Kung, Ae, and Nut" on a day to day basis. Sometimes the short name will not be Thai at all but an english word instead.  In my classroom I have kids that go by the names "Donut"and "Pancake", the kid down the street is named "ozone" and I have neighbors named "Apple" and "Oh".

I know both a teenage boy and a infant girl that go by the name of "Bam Bam", and I used to have a maid named "Phone". Some other interesing short names around here are:

Benz (as in Mercedes)

Cola

Pepsi

Seven

Milk

Armchair

Bowling

Dollar

Not to mention the Thai names that just sound like something different in english like "toy,pis,poo,poke,porn,tittiporn,kittiporn,supaporn, and of course, turdsak."

I often call my students Mr. or Ms. in a light manner. I have a student named Tee and I like to call him "Mr. Tee", although he is much to young to understand why. Its hard to keep a straight face when I need to call "Ms. Puke" to the front of the classroom though.

Even my own name has changed. I shortened my name to "J" because I got tired of being called "jaaaaayssON" by asian folks a long time ago. In Thai culture when someone is older then you, they should be addressed as "P' ". I didn't think about that part and instead of being called "J" I am sometimes referred to as "P'J".  I guess being a PJ isn't that bad but I'm really not feeling it to tell the truth. Then when I started teaching, my name changed again. In english I am "Teacher J" most everywhere I go, but more often then that I am called by that name in Thai, which is "Khu J". When its spoken it sounds almost exactly like "Cool J". While they may be calling me teacher J, I know they are really calling me Cool J, and I can definitely live with that. 

I'm sure there will more tales of teaching to follow...

Holiday Warning for Older Men

Hoof Hearted on the Moon

December 10th, 2011 Lunar Eclipse

An account of the evening as witnessed by Hoof Hearted

(all identities have been omitted to protect the guilty)

Driving in Bangkok - Part Two

While driving in Thai I have noticed something in particular. Soi dogs (street dogs) are stupid. These are homeless dogs running around everywhere with empty little heads, just lucky to be inhaling oxygen. In the states I have seen dogs that use the sidewalks and stop and wait to cross the street with groups of people at the crosswalks. Its like they know that being hit by a car would be a bad thing. In Hawaii I have seen dogs that round up sheep, horses, cows and dogs that hunt wild boar. All these dogs seem to understand that flying hooves, teeth, and tusks might be a bad thing. Soi dogs in Thai lay in the middle of the road impervious to car horns or tires from vehicles passing just inches from where they lie. It is not unusual to see a soi dog trot into the street during an rare break in traffic and lie down to quickly go to sleep. Unlike most animals these dogs haven't much sense of self preservation. A soi dog in the middle of the road will spot a speeding truck heading straight for it and waste no time in deciding that its nap time. Generally these dogs survive on the discarded food of the locals. Thai people seem to throw away these dogs like old toys. Sometime I will have to put together a piece on the soi dogs. For now just know this, if you are driving and you see a dog (or four) you can count on it to step out in front your moving vehicle with a blank look in its eyes and a little doggy smile on its face.

Its not just the dogs on the street, theres lots of animals in the road. Even though I live in the heart of Bangkok, I see this sight at least once a week:

Its really a bad day when you are driving motorcycle and the car in front of you hits a big cow shit in the road, spraying it into the air directly in your path. Even now I sit contemplating what type of James Bond contraptions I can rig my motorcycle with to have my revenge on the drivers that are hell bent to ruin me. On a daily basis I have also nearly hit cats, low flying pigeons and chickens. Once while riding shotgun, I saw this big monitor lizard walk into the street ahead of us and stop for a moment before it trotted back into the sewage swamp that it had come from.

Oh, and then occasionally there is this little street hazard:

And that's just in the city, head out to the country and who knows what will be around the next bend. On a recent trip to the Hua Hin area, there were monkeys on the road and at the park areas, begging for food. You just never know what wildlife you will find on the roads here.  While I would run over a snake in a heartbeat, I just couldn't imagine hitting a monkey while on my motorcycle. Oh ya motorcycles...

I may have mentioned before that the motorcycle or "Motor-Cy" is really the only way to travel. You can zip in between the cars and around the front and backs of them while they are stuck in the gridlock. You can get to your destination easily twice as fast as you would in a car just by winding around the maze of backed up traffic, but remember, one wrong move and you will be a stain on the road and no one will stop to help or try to save your life because once they can see the accident, they will have hope that there may be a little break in traffic just beyond and they will be able to drive again.

I used to have a real hang up with driving my motorcycle on the sidewalks. We just don't do that where I am from. Now I do it daily. Traffic is messed up and I only need to go a block or two the wrong direction on a one way street, its sidewalk surfin time!  I hit the sidewalks sometimes and start blowing through the gears and it does get really irritating that some people will wear headphones and the won't hear me honking or revving. I have asked my favorite ex-pat forum online "what is the appropriate speed for driving on a busy sidewalk" and it has been suggested that its actually beneficial to keep it in a lower gear so that I can pop wheelies. Popping wheelies  on the sidewalks impresses the women and everyone else will stop pretending not to hear you and get the hell out of your way. I have tried it, and its really good advice. If the sidewalks are too congested (like that matters) Its ok to drive in the wrong lane as long as you are feeling lucky.

Stay tuned for part three of driving in Bangkok, when we determine how many people should be on one motorcycle at the same time, parking etiquette, tuk-tuk mafia, drunk driving and of course smashing and crashing.

Here is the link for Part 3

Driving in Bangkok Part 3