Hoof Hearted in the classroom

Really, where do you start. No one wants to read about your boring ass life as a school teacher. Why would you? Yet here I am, a first time teacher, trying to think of something cool to say about it and coming up with nothing. I can tell you this, a classroom needs rules.
 Its been 60 days now that I have been in this business and I have two rules so far in my class.

1. No kung fu fighting allowed in class,

2. Do not remove your clothes in class.

Keep in mind these are little children. The day I start teaching hot college chicks is when naked kung fu fighting may be tolerated.

As I'm sure any teacher will tell you, there are days when the kids warm your heart and there are days when you just want to take a belt to every last one of them.

These are a few stories and odd bits and pieces I have gathered so far...


Here in Thailand a male chicken is called a COCK. I grew up in the states calling it a rooster. To me, a cock refers to my manhood and you do not hear this word much unless you are working in a warehouse or construction site with a bunch of vulgar macho dudes. And of course in porno. In all the porno I have seen, someone is always talking about the cock. Its a measure of restraint to hold up a flashcard of a rooster in class and have 30 kids yell "COCK!!!"   One day I'm teaching this five year old munchkin to write simple sentences, such as "I like big dogs" and he takes it on his own to put up on the whiteboard "I like big cocks". At this time you can picture me trying to control my face muscles to remain expressionless if at all possible.

"I like big cocks"

I teach at my kid's school part time but mostly I teach private english lessons from my home because that's what I prefer to do. I have turned the second level of my house into a classroom area suitable for both children and adults. One day a lady brings her two monsters to my house to get them into a private english lesson. She is telling me that her kids are so shy and they need to start learning the alphabet and numbers etc... Meanwhile her two shy boys are having this huge sword fight with a couple of closed umbrellas just two feet away from us and they are banging into things and jumping and lunging at each other. I have to be cool because I want the money and I am saying things like "I'm sure it will be fine..." all the while the two demons have nearly punched a whole through my flat screen tv with their umbrella combat. Its been two months now and all these two brothers are interested in is punching, kicking, and choking each other out 24 hours a day. If I want to see some real action, I just tell them that today we are reviewing body parts and ask them "Where is your head/neck/ears/leg/arms/etc.." and it will instantly turn into a mixed martial arts marathon.

In most asian countries, people seem to have problems pronouncing the letters "L" and "R".  Often these letters are swapped out so that either the R is silent or it is replaced with an L.  I used to think that this was just when they were using english but it turns out that even in Thai, they often will use L instead of R.  Also, the letter "S" is pronounced "SAH".   So a STAR is a SAH-TAR and a SPOON is a SAH-POON and a FORK is a FUCK. I found this out one day when I had the great idea to do a lesson on things in the kitchen. I brought in my bag of dishes and cups and etc... Everyone already knew what a fork was because whenever I held it up they would all shout FUCK ! Apparently R is a difficult sound to pronounce for them.  I really do not understand what the deal is when they switch the R and the L though, it just makes no sense to me. I have a friend named Larry. Everyone calls him Rally. Just the fact that they can say "Rally" means they can pronounce both the R and the L sounds in a single word. You tell me whats up with that because I just can't seem to understand what the problem is.

Here in Thailand, I really get a kick out of the nicknames or "short names" that everyone uses. Most everyone goes by a short name here and it works out well for me as it is often hard for me to remember and or pronounce the long Thai names.  I have students that are brother and sister, his name is Gafil (pronounced like Garfield) and hers is Baifern. Short names are easy because they just use "Fil" (phil) and "Fern".  Often this is not the case though, in Thai a short name usually has nothing to do with the formal name.  For example, three sisters named Ketsirin, Wanasa, and Anchana use the short names "Kung, Ae, and Nut" on a day to day basis. Sometimes the short name will not be Thai at all but an english word instead.  In my classroom I have kids that go by the names "Donut"and "Pancake", the kid down the street is named "ozone" and I have neighbors named "Apple" and "Oh".

I know both a teenage boy and a infant girl that go by the name of "Bam Bam", and I used to have a maid named "Phone". Some other interesing short names around here are:

Benz (as in Mercedes)

Cola

Pepsi

Seven

Milk

Armchair

Bowling

Dollar

Not to mention the Thai names that just sound like something different in english like "toy,pis,poo,poke,porn,tittiporn,kittiporn,supaporn, and of course, turdsak."

I often call my students Mr. or Ms. in a light manner. I have a student named Tee and I like to call him "Mr. Tee", although he is much to young to understand why. Its hard to keep a straight face when I need to call "Ms. Puke" to the front of the classroom though.

Even my own name has changed. I shortened my name to "J" because I got tired of being called "jaaaaayssON" by asian folks a long time ago. In Thai culture when someone is older then you, they should be addressed as "P' ". I didn't think about that part and instead of being called "J" I am sometimes referred to as "P'J".  I guess being a PJ isn't that bad but I'm really not feeling it to tell the truth. Then when I started teaching, my name changed again. In english I am "Teacher J" most everywhere I go, but more often then that I am called by that name in Thai, which is "Khu J". When its spoken it sounds almost exactly like "Cool J". While they may be calling me teacher J, I know they are really calling me Cool J, and I can definitely live with that. 

I'm sure there will more tales of teaching to follow...