The Bum Gun

Long ago when I was in France I encountered my first bidet. I had no idea what it was and my French buddy told me it was to wash my feet in, so I did of course. Back home in Hawaii we always take our shoes off before entering someones home, and I certainly did not want to offend anyone with dirty feet. Obviously the joke was on me, my buddy and his family all got a big laugh out of the foreigner washing his feet in the ass sprayer.

I have learned a bit since then and now that I live in Asia I have had to adapt to using a "bum gun".  A bum gun is a small hand held sprayer that is used to cleanse your backside.  My wife has lived with me in America for years and she has always told me that using toilet paper alone leaves her feeling dirty. Seeing how this is coming from someone who moved away from a developing country, I always scoffed a bit and didn't think too highly of the notion of spraying my self with a ring spring after I finished my business.

Well now I have to admit, I was wrong. That butt blaster is quite effective, it just takes a bit of practice. When I think about it, anytime I really want to get clean, I just hop in the shower. Using water on my rear end should be no different. If I had dirt on my hand, would I rub a tissue on it and call it good? Of course not.  Its too bad more westerners haven't caught on to this.  I suppose maybe a cold climate might makes its use a bit startling but that's the only reason I can think of for not wanting better hygiene.


The key is preparation. Without it your going to make a mess and you will probably walk out of the loo with a big wet spot on the back of your trousers.  Whether its a sit down toilet or a squat toilet, you are going to want to roll up your pant legs.  Even though you may be a professional with the sphincter sprinkler, the person before you may have soaked the floor. You definantly do not want to drop your jeans into a puddle. Next make sure you check the water pressure. This is important for obvious reasons, I don't think I need to go there and if you cant figure the importance here, well I suppose you have it coming. If I am at public sit down toilet, I will check the pressure by rinsing down the toilet seat. Hey your butt is gonna get wet anyway, why should you care if the seat is wet, at least now its cleaner then when you arrived. At a squat toilet I will pressure check by blasting the entire vicinity, rinsing away any ugliness and leaving a nice wet floor for any novice arse washer who should happen to follow. Do your business, rinse and then dry with the toilet paper. It should go without saying but you are going to just pad the water away, if you try to wipe your wet ass, you may wind up with shredded paper and that just wont do.  I tend to keep a bit of tissue on me now a days just in case I need to make a public stop and drop. Wet wipes are an even better idea but these can be hard to find at stores and expensive when you do find them.  When you find yourself face to face with a squat toilet you will be very glad you bought those wet wipes. Often finding a squat toilet may also mean finding a bucket of water and a ladle type spoon to splash on your dairy-aire, in place of a bum gun.

So you think that this little conversation on the ass cannon is irrelevant and unimportant or maybe even a bit immature, but in other cultures it is taken quite seriously. For example strict Muslims are supposed to wash their privates after going to the toilet. I believe a prayer is said before and after. Usually the bathroom prayer will be mounted somewhere on the wall and you might find a bum gun or maybe a trough or bowl of water to use. Talk about praying to the porcelain gods! Maybe that's why both the men and women wear long dresses, so they can drip dry while they walk.

I ran across this little song about the bum gun on youtube, if you are in a culture/country that uses one its kind of funny. If not, then you probably wont care for it. Here's the link:

http://youtu.be/tR5yX11en8M

So save some trees and spread the word, not the turd!

Today I ate the staple

Picked up a couple pieces of cake today, real nice looking. Two chocolate and custard topped slices and they came in a small see through plastic clam shell box. One side of the box is hinged of course and the other side was secured by a tiny little staple. I popped the box open and took a big bite out of the cake, delicious!  It was right as I was swallowing that I noticed the little staple was now missing from the lip of the box. In that brief instant I thought it probably flew off when I popped the box open and it was now on the floor somewhere. In the same instant as I was swallowing I felt it go down my throat.   Immediately I froze and wondered if maybe I could cough it back up. No, its too late, that tiny little staple had gone done already. So now I sit here and wonder, will it puncture my intestines on its way through my system ? Will I need to go to the hospital ?  Will it stab me in the ass upon making its exit?  I figure I have another 8 hours or so until I find out what will happen.

Driving in Bangkok

I know opinions are like assholes, but I'm going to tell ya that Thai drivers are some of the worst I have ever seen. Now just let me stand my ground a second so you know where I am coming from. I have owned sports cars and sport bikes, I have had several jobs as a driver, and I have driven in many other countries besides my homeland. I drive the cities and I drive the freeways. I have excellent off road experience, I am experienced in the snow, I have had my Porsche up around 135mph street racing on tiny one lane Maui roads. I have Driven in Europe for days on end at speeds that may cause you involuntary urination. Never in my life have I seen driving as poorly executed as I have here in Bangkok.

I'm trying to figure out the mentality of driving here and so far my observations are:

Never use your mirrors, never look back. Nothing behind you really matters, as it is behind you and out of your control. Look forward, no need to check left or right. This applies especially when you are entering the main road from a side street. Do not stop and do not attempt to check for an opening in traffic. Simply pull out into the traffic, and once you are in your lane (or sharing one) keep your eyes forward. The drivers in the next lanes can not see you because they are only looking forward, there is no need to see them either. When you feel the cars touch, you should know that you are now sharing the same lane and at this point it is ok to look to the side and see who has the more expensive car and if the other driver is pointing a gun or not. In any situation the Mercedes Benz always has the right of way.

The KMH/MPH reading should never be used. Pay no attention to this reading, it means nothing. The only instrument you need is the RPM gauge. Whenever your car is in motion this gauge should be in the red. Seeing how you will spend most of your time in gridlock traffic, keeping this gauge in the red is important when you need to bolt ahead several inches to block anyone else trying to share your lane with you. This is the only time the color red is important while driving in Bangkok.

The color green can be found everywhere. All traffic lights in Bangkok have 3 shades of green. It is important to know this, because if the sun is in your eyes and you think you are seeing a red light, it would be very dangerous for you to try and stop, automatically resulting in being run over from behind. If you do stop for a red light (which is really just dark green) and get hit, it will be your fault for stopping as you are clearly colorblind. If you are a farang (foreigner) it is your fault regardless of if you stopped or the guy in front of you stopped. As a matter a fact, as a foreigner it is your fault even if you were a nearby pedestrian. The accident was surely caused by the fact that someone was trying to navigate a street on foot, clearly shocking any and all drivers by the sheer stupidity of their act. The only people that would try a foot crossing are foreigners. Any accident within view of a foreigner is the foreigners fault.

Never wear a seat belt. They get uncomfortable and will only slow you down should you need to make a high speed exit thru the front windshield. Helmets are worn on the main roads to help hide your identity while you are parked in the gridlock. Do not wear a helmet while operating a motorcycle on the fast moving side streets, as it can be quite breezy when you are away from the gridlock and your helmet might fall off and cause an accident behind you. Using the helmet strap on a helmet signals that you are a novice driver and can be blamed for most anything. If you are driving a car and a cop flags you down from the side of the road, don't stop. If you are on a motorcycle and a cop flags you down from the side of the road, don't stop unless you are within striking distance. If you are a farang and you are stopped by the police, never ever speak a word of Thai as it will result in you paying more then the 200 baht you are about to dish out presently. If you are on a motorcycle and a cop in a car or a truck signals you to pull over, immediately drive sideways thru the gridlock obstructing your license plate from view and do not stop. It is also ok to laugh out loud while doing this.

U-turns... So in Thai you drive in the right side of the car and on the left side of the road.
The far left lane is the slow lane, this is where you pull in to side streets and parking lots etc. This lane is full of bus and taxi stops and assholes who park and throw on their hazards while they buy some meat on a stick from a sidewalk vender. You will need to get out of the left lane if you plan on doing any traveling today. The far right lane is the one closest to the median and would normally be considered the "fast lane." The problem here is the U-turn areas. I say "areas" because there is no U-turn lane to get you to safety while you wait three to seven hours for a chance to make a U-turn. If a miracle occurs and you are able to make a U-turn, you should be aware that you are now in the fast lane going the opposite direction. For safety's sake you should now veer across three lanes to get to the slow moving lane so that you do not cause an accident. Some U-turn areas are designated by signs and the median is cemented for your convience. Some U-turn areas are just motorcycle paths across the grassy median and others are just swampy areas that have now dried up and have now become a potential U-turn area.

While there are tons of bad Thai drivers here in the Big Mango, my brother in law may be the one exception. He used to race cars in Florida and he is by far the only person I trust to navigate the city at high speeds. I was planning on saying something nice about my wife's driving here but she managed to drive her car into the front gate last night, even though the gate was open at the time. There is so much more to be said about driving around Thai people, so stay tuned for part 2 of Bangkok Driving.

Here is a link to Part 2:

Driving in Bangkok Part 2

UK Police Joke

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
First - Lets pose the following question:
You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.What do you do?

BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:
Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
9) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
13) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG!


AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'....
(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!)



The Flying Fox

I saw it in the distance one evening a few days back. I thought it might be hawk from the size of its wingspan. Then I saw it again the next evening around dusk and it was big, maybe a huge owl or something, it was too far away to see.
Tonight I got a good look at it, a bat, and a flipping huge one at that. Goes to show you my experience with the critters around here, I wasn't aware there were monster bats living in the city. This thing was big enough that I nearly dropped my beer when it came floating through. I half expected Godzilla to sound off and come stomping through a few building to engage it.
Apparently this is a fruit bat, also called a "flying fox". It appears that it could drag off babies or small dogs so I can't imagine what kind of fruit this thing eats to get that big. Now I have seen bats in the states and they flap and flutter and dart around at high speed but this thing, it coasted and floated and put in a only a few commanding strokes just like a large bird would do. I could see the veins silhouetted in its wings even in the dwindling light. It went from a prone and soaring, to upright and landing in a tree top in a powerful slow motion. I went online to find out what the hell this thing is, and this is the description I found on a local expat forum:


"They're Siamese Brain Bats. They have a single long hollow fang which they use to inject an anaesthetic into the skulls of their victims, they then drink the victim's brains. Generally the bat leaves between 5 to 10% of the victims brain tissue intact which is just about enough for the survivor to retain the ability to walk, eat, and poop. The charitably inclined King Rama 7 established the modern Thai Civil Service and a representative democracy in 1932 to provide these poor souls with the only work of which they were now capable, bureaucracy and politics. Even today over 85% of Thai Politicians and Bureaucrats are victims of Brain Bat attacks and are maintained at public expense.


Attacks on farangs(foreigners) are rarer and the Thai health service provides no support for farang victims. Generally the slobbering, brain-damaged, farang survivors of these attacks are forced to eke out a sad living by opening beer-bars in Pattaya."

Bad Waitress

I was at Sizzler at Seacon Square, the waitress said "You can have a free refill with any drink."
I said "Ok, I'll have a Heineken."
The waitress said "No."
Bad waitress.

Bangkok Street Food

Day 1
Somethings not agreeing with me today, must have been that plate of chicken I bought from the open air market yesterday.  I would say those fools tried to poison me but actually, I picked out my own meal.

Day 3
Still in the dumps so to speak. Its best that I don't stray farther then a short sprint back to the best seat in the house. I hope this will end soon. I have decided to starve this thing out a bit.  If anything it could only mean less trips to the bathroom. Why feed the fire? Its time to fast.

Day 4
Fevering at night now, second night in a row.  Tossed and turned and more trips to the throne. I woke up totally drenched like someone had turned the hose on me. My pillows more like a sponge.  This would make a heck of a diet. I may have to patten this lil stomach bug and pitch it as the new celebrity weight loss program.  Still not eating much more then a bit of bread and water, and I have added 48 ounces of Singha beer a night to my new culinary regime. I think the beer is really going to help.

Day 6
Last night I seriously considered setting up a make shift computer table in front of the toilet.  I guess my body is just so accustomed to FDA approved foods that i just cant handle a little bug or some bacteria. The days are not as bad as the nights, but still I have sprinted up the stairs to my bathroom (on the third floor) so many times my legs are starting to hurt. There is a war going on in my gut and I have body ache from fever and painful cramping from the dehydration.
The good news is I am saving tons of money on groceries. The bad news is that in order for me to go anywhere I have to be prepared to use public restrooms and I'm walking around afraid to fart. I am fevering every night now. I fear the beer is just not helping. My rear quarters are producing colors that range from bright baby shit yellow, to sickly green and something that looks a bit like blackened seaweed. From now on I won't look back, never look back.

Day 7
Not enough energy to drink beer or get to the remote. I have been provided with a drug called Norfloxyl.  Side effects are nausea, rash, and visual disturbance. At 400 mg twice a day it is used to treat G.I.T. infection.  I looked it up and at 800 mg a dose it is also used to treat  gonorrhea. I guess that is always good to know. I pray this will be the end of the story of my sore ass, my sprints to the bathroom both successful and not, and to waking up in a bed that doesn't feel like I just had a sleep over with sponge bob square pants.

The Bottom Line (no pun intended)
If you are going to kick it in Thailand and eat all the wonderful foods it has to offer, for fucks sake bring a boat load of wet wipes !  Those things saved my ass (again, no pun), I brought a 3 pack in my baggage from overseas at 80 sheets a pack, and it was a great call.

Baby wipes, a whole lot better then wearing a diaper.